Hey dear reader, you and I have been going steady for some time now (love what you’ve done with your hair by the way) so I think it is about time I level with you. I have a hobby. A sick, twisted hobby that I usually don’t share with anyone. Do you want to hear it? I didn’t say you could leave, get back here. Ok, here goes:

When I’m on holiday I take pictures of knockoff toys for cheap thrills.

Oh wow, I can’t believe I’ve finally gotten that off my chest. I’ve always felt so weird doing it. Everyone else is taking photos of a glorious Lanzarote sunset, and I’m facing the other way taking photos of, well, this…

And can you blame me? Look at that face! He never signed up for this. He wanted to be a baker, or an apprentice to a baker, and now look at him, all chromed out like RoboCop’s trashy cousin, with a chestpiece that looks like Tony Stark built the Mark I Iron Man in an antique warplane museum. The box seems to indicate that if we dared wake him from his unblinking slumber, we would be blinded by the spinning LEDs all crap toys are required to have by law. I feel sorry for this poor bastard if stealth is ever a mission parameter, but not as sorry as he feels for himself.

That face.

Oh, comics website, right. Gotta tie that back in somehow. Ah, bingo…

Look kids! It’s everyone’s favourite comic book character “BATFIGHTER”! In this Game of The Year edition not only do we get to play the thrilling adventures of “BATFIGHTER”, but the system itself is also bat-shaped. Or you are. Honestly it’s a bit hard to tell whether the “BAT SHAPE GAME PLAYER” is the system itself or the poor fool who actually has to play this garbage. As a side note, this… thing, actually managed to somehow be a backwards Wii U, long before there was a Wii U to be the backwards version of, with buttons on the screen itself, and on an additional controller. Just in case you wanted to sit far enough away to play it without actually having to look at it.

Also Goku might be in it.

Damn, got to keep with the comics theme or they’ll definitely fire me. Oh hey Spider-man!

Like, quite literally ‘hey’. I’ve never seen a knockoff toy that looked so happy to see me. Well, I’m quite happy to see you too buddy. In fact, I think I’m your biggest fan.

Goddammit.

Well I wouldn’t want to unveil my entire treasure trove on you all at once dear reader, so maybe I’ll come back to chat about terrible knockoffs toys another time. Until then, I hope you’ve enjoyed this glimpse into my favourite hobby.

You can leave now, by the way.

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The Writer of this piece was: Andrew Stevens
You can follow Andrew on Twitter

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