I love the question: “If you could be any comic-book character, who would you be?”.

Like many people, I love fantasising about being a super-hero. One of my favourites is a dream where I am a kung-fu expert, all in leather with huge combat boots and amazing kick-ass hair and the ability to melt things with my eyes. I dream of fights, vigilantes, weird side-kicks, the ability to stretch time and having a really obscure yet cool catchphrase like “Pass me the flame thrower” or “If I don’t like it, I annihilate it”…. something like that.

Basically, I fantasise about being a ‘cooler’ version of myself. Instead, if I was a superhero, I know my power would probably be impractical and far less cool, like, only being able to set fire to things after I’ve walked through a fire-exit door, or, if I stood still for too long I’d turn into a table. Something comic and inept, like me, but hey, I don’t mind too much.

Comic book characters often allow me to assess and imagine the tougher parts of myself I rarely reveal in the normal day to day world, hence, when comic book shopping I naturally gear towards buying comics with a female protagonist. Not for any particular ‘anti-men’ reason, but when I see a woman on the cover of a comic, my eyes light up and I get excited.

One reason is that if you’d asked me as a teenager what the key trait of a female comic book character where, I would have listed the following:

– Introverted

– Sarcastic

– Overtly sexual

– Ridiculously high-placed bosoms.

– Wonky haircut.

– Lover of Bomber jackets

– AMAZING cheekbones.

– SHORT. (You rarely get a female superhero that is taller than her male counterparts.)

*Editor’s note: so 90’s Dazzler  then?

Now in 2015, this is no longer the case. More than ever before, there is a huge swell in unique and believable, multi-faceted female protagonists for a diverse audience of ages and demographics. From our young muslim Ms Marvel, the patriarchy smashing girls in Bitch Planet and the emotionally fragile Copperhead to the diverse ladies in Fables and The Wicked + The Divine. I learn something from all these characters. They are all exciting and their worlds enrich my own. The choice of what to go as for Comic-Con is unreal.

The subtle importance of how enriching and confidence boosting comics are to people hit me last bank holiday weekend when I was on a packed rush-hour train. The train was saturated with families and the smells of Walkers crisps. There were tears, tantrums, sound effects emitting from various games consoles and occasionally the odd ‘SHARE WITH YOUR SISTER THOMAS!”.

The dad next to me had three children. His middle child was leaning against the window, crossed legged, brow furrowed, glasses wonky, engrossed in a large hard-back copy of Superman. The book rested on his tiny legs and could have swallowed his small, fragile frame. He was hypnotized by the imagery. I looked at him and thought “I hope my kids are that cool”, then his Dad yelled across the table: ‘CONNOR!”. The little boy looked up, irritated. As is understandable. Who wants to be interrupted when you’re busy with Superman?

Dad: “When we get in, you are sitting straight down with me in the kitchen and we are going to do your spellings”

Connor: “Do we have to do it when we get in?”

Dad: “Yes. It’s important. How are you going to do well in school otherwise. You won’t learn anything from that you’re reading”.

And with that, Connor’s eyes fell to his comic, dismissed and pissed off.

Clearly the father had forgot how impressive it is for a 6yr old to be able to read and say ‘Kryptonite’ at school alongside understand the basic concepts of time-travel, space, and social justice. Comics have a lot of important lessons to communicate to a young audience. Most contemporary superheroes, heroines or anti-heroes in comics have a social concept, moral or ethical problem to work through.  Most major characters go through trauma, catharsis and challenges of some sort in their journey – we join them on these journeys, as weird or outergalatic as they may seem to our own worlds. Many characters battle debilitating grief [Batman], judgement [X-Men], sexism [Bitch Planet], or the irritating side-effects of time-travel. The big question of ‘what makes us human’ is one of the major reasons comics and their heroes have such a huge impact on us, alongside their soothing escapism. This little boy was possibly learning all sorts of things, building his own fantasy world and this is why I got cross at that fathers harsh narrow minded words.

So, in reaction to this I think it’s important to highlight some of the crucial lessons we have learnt from comic books over the years – lessons which will, perhaps, be of use to us one day on our long roads to adulthood, helping release the inner superhero within each of us…..

– Sarcasm is the highest form of wit. The more sarcastic you are the more likely you are the lead character in a comic book. Or, you’re the ‘love interest’. Either way, be sarcastic.

– There is never a bad day to wear lycra.

– All evil people smoke cigars and prefer to be lit in shadow. Never trust a man who has only floor-lighting.

– People who run large corporations are also struggling with thyroid problems, also smoke cigars and are very good friends with people in the police force

– Only cool people wear bomber jackets (think about it)

– Science doesn’t ever have to make sense. If you don’t believe me, read Supreme Blue Rose

– Often the entire fate of the world rests in a glow-in-the-dark-orb thing which has a highly complicated unlocking mechanism.

– Don’t fuck with trees. (Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy).

– There is nothing that can’t be explained by a convoluted metaphor given to you by an old woman or man who appears in an alley somewhere.

– Just because someone is the spawn of Satan doesn’t necessarilly make them a dick. DON’T JUDGE PEOPLE BY THEIR PARENTS.

– Time travel is not only possible but vital to our survival as a species on nearly a daily basis

– If it’s covered in a honey-comb-like, hexagon pattern, it’s higher-tech.

– Female Armor has to have stylised metal bosoms.

– MUTANTS ARE PEOPLE TOO.

– Exposure to radioactive materials (almost) always has positive results.

– No superhero has ever been held back by their inability to spell.

– Everyone you love will one day die, so stop moping about it and be Batman.

And with that, I’m off to go and fight crime….

Elf

xxxx